My reflections on abuse and finding solace.

 “…And whoever fears Allah – He will make for him a way out” (Surah Talaq: Ayah 2)

I was a victim of abuse. I came out of it confused, lost and traumatised. Those were the darkest of days filled with despair, anger, self-blame and guilt. The abuse left me spiritually and emotionally broken; for many years I battled with depression and anxiety. Moreover, with the stigma on mental health in the Indian sub-continent community, I was left isolated and unable to speak of my feelings.

It was not only feelings of despair that plagued me, but also doubts concerning faith that crept into my mind. I began to question why Allah had put me through these dark times? Although deep down I knew that Allah had planned something good for me, it was difficult at the time to imagine the reality of something good actually coming my way. I remember staring out the window surrounded by helplessness and darkness, but then there was a single rose bright and beautiful that grew alone amongst the bushes. That gave me hope. I knew that Allah was showing me that things will get better.

I sometimes stop and think back to the rose, and Alhmadulillah, all praises to Allah SWT, that rose is me now in a happy and beautiful place. I am now happily married to an amazing man and have a beautiful daughter mashaAllah, I’m studying Qur’an again with a fantastic teacher, I am currently studying for a Masters Degree at Warwick University, and I have a flourishing online institute for women and girls. Allah has blessed me very much!

As cliché as it may sound, the truth is that my past has moulded me and made me stronger in every way.

However, it has taken me many years of healing from trauma and pain; only now am I in a position where I can speak about the abusive marriage, which lasted about a year.

I know there are many women going through similar things right now. I know that people deal with grief, trauma and anxiety in their own ways. However, for those of you who are struggling right now, I’d like to share with you a few things that helped me. And I pray that they can be of some help to anyone going through something similar right now.

However, before I start my list of  ‘coping mechanisms’ or ‘top tips’, amongst the most important things you will need to do is speak to someone – Yes I know, easier said than done; however it is crucial that you take this first step!

Look to get some support with a mental health and well-being professional. If you are from Leicestershire I recommend speaking to Leicester Counselling Centre, which is a charity service that provides help at a rate that is affordable to you. The lantern initiative is also very good to help sign post you to the right direction, especially if you are looking for something that is a bit more culturally sensitive. However talking through your trauma with a mental health professional is not only helpful but of paramount importance to begin the healing process!

Now for my tips to help cope with post-relationship trauma:

1. Starting the day with zikr and mindfulness

Start the day with nourishing yourself spiritually. This will bring about a positive mind-set. Helping you feel more motivated throughout the day. After starting with salawat, I found the following dua really helpful. It not only made me feel spiritually uplifted but emotionally it filled me with great hope.

رَبِّ إِنِّي لِمَا أَنزَلْتَ إِلَيَّ مِنْ خَيْرٍ فَقِيرٌ

Rabbi inni lima anzalta ilayya min khayrin faqeer (28:24)

Oh my Lord! Indeed I am in need of whatever good you send down.

The story behind this dua is that Prophet Musa AS after fleeing Egypt and his life of luxury, he found himself alone with no provisions. It was at this lowest point in his life that he raised his hands to the sky and beseeched Allah with this dua. After which Allah transformed his life! (I have a full commentary of the this dua here. And recitation of this dua here: )

2. Know you are not a bad person AND more importantly you are not a bad Muslim!

You can sometimes be left questioning your commitment to Allah, and others can also make you feel that way too. In fact, know you are loved by Allah SWT!

Sometimes going through hard times can make one feel as though Allah SWT doesn’t love us. However, the reality is far from this. The Prophets were tested the most despite being the most beloved to Him.

When I looked at the life of the Prophet (saw), I saw that he lost his father before he was born, his mother died when he was only 4, his grandfather died too when he was 6. Thereafter, although under the guardianship of his uncle, the Prophet had to grow up quickly and start working from a young age, first herding sheep, then trading as a merchant. He married young and later witnessed the whole town of Makkah (his own family) turn against him to the point where they physically and mentally abused him and thereafter plotted his death. He was forced to leave his beloved town and found asylum in Madinah. He witnessed the death of his uncle, wife, daughters, and sons. He saw his nearest and dearest die in battle whilst fighting for their right to exist… Nonetheless, at the end truth did prevail! Allah made him victorious over all! … Although it may not feel like it now, your victory is coming soon too inshaAllah!

3. Knowing that Allah has your back – Reflect upon Surah Talaq.

After the divorce, during those lonely times, I turned to the Qur’an, and SubhanaAllah! It gave me great comfort, strength, and hope.

‘Whoever fears Allah SWT, Allah SWT will make for him a way out.’ 65:2

I was always struck by this verse and the fact that it’s mentioned in the chapter of divorce. Similar types of verses are mentioned three times quite close together in this chapter of divorce. All starting with ‘whoever fears Allah’

Whoever fears Allah SWT, Allah SWT will make for him of his matter ease.’ 65:4

‘and whoever fears Allah SWT – He will remove from him his misdeeds and make great for him his reward.’ 65:5

What struck me when I was reading these verses is Allah’s concern and protection for women.  Allah SWT mentions fearing him so many times in order to protect the women which has not been mentioned in such close proximity in any other chapter. Not only does He SWT remind the men to fear Allah but also the reward for doing so.

Despite the man usually being in control of divorce in Islam (with Allah’s wisdom and also there are exceptions) it really made me feel the deep love and protection Allah SWT gives women. He is reminding all men that this control comes with a very heavy duty and responsibility and that fearing Allah is of paramount importance; specifically in terms of causing any harm to the woman whether it be emotional, physical or mental, otherwise great consequences will have to be faced in the Akhirah and perhaps in this world too!

So as I read these verses a few years ago, having come out of an abusive marriage, tears would stream down my face and the power, strength and love from Allah SWT would make me feel so reassured.

It was a huge comfort for me knowing to what lengths Allah SWT has protected women.

4. Spending time with close family

After coming home I couldn’t recognise myself anymore. I felt I deserved what I went through and the guilt made me feel deserving of a lonely loveless life.

It was at this point, although unknown to me at the time, that I needed pure genuine love from the dearest people to me. Be it only a very few people, keeping myself away from everyone else was really healing. Keeping away from toxicity and people merely ‘interested’ in ‘what happened?’, more than anything,  gave me a chance to connect with loved ones. I was again able to develop the bond that I had not been able to maintain due to being refused access to my family whilst in the abusive relationship. I was once again able to just be a big sister to my brothers, and a daughter to my parents. I was able to just be me, without any judgement, pressure, or force! I was just able to be. This helped me reconnect with myself and gave me time to heal from the trauma of control that had made me lose myself. It gave me a chance to start loving myself once again.

5. Spending time around nature daily

Last but not least, being around the signs of God really helped me reconnect with Allah and myself at the same time. The ambience and sounds of nature gave me this sense and feel of freedom. The calming affect of nature on the soul kindled my spirit with the healing I so needed. I was able to feel the freedom of the elements, and connected with that. Slowly I felt the shackles on my mind and heart loosening, dropping bit by bit. Thus making me feel free once again.

These are my personal reflections and tips on dealing with pain and trauma. I hope you enjoyed reading and that you found it to be of some benefit inshaAllah.

All praise is to Allah, at the beginning and end.

Peace and love to you all.

Wasalam alaikum

Mariam xxx